MONTY PYTHON ANYTHING GOES

(Cut to a courtroom in the 1940s. A courtmartial is in progression. An elderly basic plives, through 2 others on either side of him. There is a defense counsel, a prosecutor, a clerk, and also two men guarding the prisoner.)

Presiding General (Terry J.): Sapper Walters, you stand also prior to this court accoffered of transferring on the battle by various other than warfavor implies, to wit, that you did on April 16th, 1942, dressed up as a bag of dainties, flick wet towels at the foe during an important offensive.

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Walters (Eric): Well, sir...

Presiding General: Shut up! Colonel Fawcett for the prosecution.

Fawcett (Michael): Sir, we all know...

Presiding General: Shut up!

Fawcett: I"m sorry?

Presiding General: Carry on.

Fawcett: Sir, we all understand the facts of the case; that Sapper Wtransforms, being in possession of expensive army devices, to wit one Lee Enfield .303 rifle and also 72 rounds of ammunition, valued at a hundred and also forty pounds 3 shillings and also sixpence, decided instead to use wet towels to take an foe command also short article in the location of Basingstoke.

Presiding General: Basingstoke? Basingstoke in Hampshire?

Fawcett: No, no, no, sir, no.

Presiding General: I check out, bring on.

Fawcett: The outcome of his action was that the enemy got...

Presiding General: Basingstoke where?

Fawcett: Basingstoke in Westphalia, sir.

Presiding General: Oh I check out. Carry on.

Fawcett: The result of Sapper Walters"s action was that the adversary received wet patches upon their troindividuals and in some situations small red strawberry marks upon their thighs...

Presiding General: I didn"t recognize there was a Basingstoke in Westphalia.

Fawcett: (slightly irritated) It"s on the map, sir.

Presiding General: What map?

Fawcett: (even more irritably) The map of Westphalia as supplied by the army, sir.

Presiding General: Well, I"ve certainly never before heard of Basingstoke in Westphalia.

Fawcett: (patiently) It"s a municipal bounstable sir, twenty-salso miles north-north east of Southhampton. Its chief manufactures...

Presiding General: What, Southhampton in Westphalia?

Fawcett: Yes sir... bricks, clothing. Nearby are stays of Basing House, burned down by Cromwell"s mounties in 1645...

Presiding General: Who compiled this map?

Fawcett: Cole Porter, sir.

Presiding General: (incredulously) Cole Porter who wrote `Kiss Me Kate"?

Fawcett: No, alas not sir, this was Cole Porter who wrote `Anything Goes" sir. I shall seek to prove that the male before this court...

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Presiding General: That"s the exact same one! (he sings) `In olden days a glimpse of stocking..."

Fawcett: I beg your pardon, sir?

Presiding General: (singing) `In olden days a glimpse of stocking, was looked on as somepoint shocking, currently heaven knows, anypoint goes."

Fawcett: No, this one"s various, sir.

Presiding General: How does it go?

Fawcett: What, sir?

Presiding General: How does your `Anypoint Goes" go?

Walters: Can I go home now?

Presiding General: Shut up! (to Fawcett) Come on!

Fawcett: Sir, really, this is fairly...

Presiding General: Come on, how does your `Anypoint Goes" go?

Fawcett: (clearing his throat and also going into an extraplain tuneless and incredibly loud song) Anypoint goes in. Anything goes out! Fish, bananas, old pajamas, Mutton! Beef! and Trout! Anypoint goes in...

Presiding General: No, that"s not it, lug on.

Fawcett: With respect sir, I shall seek to prove that the man prior to you in the dock being in the possession of the following: one pair of army boots, value three pounds seven and also six, one pair of serge troindividuals, worth two pounds 3 and 6, one pair of gaiters worth sixty-eight pounds ten shillings, one...

Presiding General: Sixty-eight pounds ten shillings for a pair of gaiters?

Fawcett: (dismissively) They were unique gaiters, sir.

Presiding General: Special gaiters?

Fawcett: Yes, sir, they were made in France. One beret costing fourteen shillings...

Presiding General: What was unique about them?

Fawcett: (as if he deserve to hardly be bothered to reply) They were made of a special cloth, sir. The buckles were made of empire silver instead of brass. The full worth of the unicreate was tright here...

Presiding General: Why was the accoffered wearing distinct gaiters?

Fawcett: (irritably) They were a presentation pair sir, from the regiment. The total worth of the uniform...

Presiding General: Why did they existing him through a unique pair of gaiters?

Fawcett: Sir, it seems to me completely irappropriate to the instance whether the gaiters were presented to him or not, sir.

Presiding General: I think the court will be able to judge that for themselves. I want to know why the regiment presented the accused with a distinct pair of gaiters.

Fawcett: (stifling his impatience) He offered to carry out points for them Sir. The complete value of the unidevelop...

Presiding General: What things?

Fawcett: (exasperated) He... he used to oblige them, sir. The total worth...

Presiding General: Oblige them?

Fawcett: Yes, sir. The complete worth of the unidevelop...

Presiding General: How did he oblige them?

Fawcett: What sir?

Presiding General: How did he oblige them?

Fawcett: (even more and even more irritated) He, um... provided to make them happy in little ways, sir. The total value of the unidevelop could therefore not have actually been much less than...

Presiding General: Did he touch them at all?

Fawcett: Sir! I submit that this is totally irrelevant.

Presiding General: I desire to know how he made them happy.

Fawcett: (losing his temper) He offered to ram points up their...

Presiding General: (quickly) All right! All right! No have to spell it out! What er... what has the accoffered acquired to say?

Walters: (taken off guard) What, me?

Presiding General: Yes. What have you got to say?

Walters: What can I say? I intend, just how can I encapsulate in mere words my scorn for any type of military solution? The fultility of modern-day warfare and also the hypocrisy through which contemporary federal government applies one conventional to violence within the community and also another to violence perpetrated by one community upon another?

Defense Counsel (Terry G.): I"m sorry, yet my client has end up being pretentious. I will say in his defense that he has suffered ...

Fawcett: Sir! We haven"t finiburned the prosecution!

Presiding General: Shut up! I"m in charge of this court. (to the court) Stand up! (everyone stands up) Sit down! (everyone sits down) Go moo! (everyone goes moo; the presiding general transforms to Fawcett) See? Right, now, on via the pixie hats! (everyone puts on pixie hats through huge pointed ears) And order in the skating vicar. (a skating viautomobile enters and also everyone bursts right into song)

Everyone: Anything goes in. Anything goes out! Fish, bananas, old pajamas, Mutton! Beef! and Trout! Anything goes in. Anypoint goes out. and so on.